High Skool Sucks
by Eevee Tofu
Summary: Brother and sister bonding time? Human hormone injections? The secrets of Irken anatomy revealed? WHAT IS THIS MADNESS? Read to find out!
1. Dooming is Fun!

Story title: High Skool Sucks  
Rating: T for language and violence and a whole bunch of other stuff!  
Warnings: A pink buffalo... in tights...

**Disclaimer:** Jhonen Vasquez is a 31-year old male. I am a 15-year old female. Nope, definitely not the same person! I make no money off of this little fan fiction. I get money by stripping in grocery stores. (shifty eyes)

**Chapter 1: Dooming is Fun!**

"How big are the lockers?"

"Bigger than the ones in junior high."

"Do they serve pizza for lunch?"

"Duh."

"Good, because I'd have to doom them if they didn't." Gaz gave a dark little chuckle. "Of course, I'll **still** have to doom them... eventually..."

Dib knew how very right that was. In her 7th grade year, Gaz had nearly given the skool principal a heart attack just by looking at him. "That should be interesting..."

"Damn right it will be." Gaz kicked a small rock on the sidewalk. "Wasn't the skool board supposed to run skool buses this year?"

"Oh come on, you know how they are..."

"Oh. Right." Gaz resumed her rock-kicking. "What's the deal with homework?"

"Usually get it every day, sometimes even on Fridays..."

"Ugh." Gaz groaned. "Fucking homework..."

They walked the rest of the way in silence, which was odd. Usually there were video game noises to pierce the eerie quiet.

"Hey... Gaz, where's your Gameslave?"

"Left it at home."

Dib raised an eyebrow. "Why?"

"Already beat the game five times and now I'm bored with it."

"Ah. I see."

"Kinda like how you don't watch Mysterious Mysteries anymore cause all they show is reruns."

"They haven't even used half the junk **I** sent them," Dib muttered under his breath.

"That's because it's all bull shit," Gaz said, the hint of a laugh in her voice.

"There's the skool," Dib said, rapidly changing the subject.

"JCV High?" Gaz queried, reading the large letters on the building. "What the hell kinda name is **that**?"

Dib shrugged. "Better hurry. The hallways crowd up and it's impossible to get any..." He stopped as he opened the door. "...where..."

The lobby was packed with chatting students. Dib sighed, Gaz growled, and the mob just yapped away.

"Shit. I'll never get to class on time after showing you where your classroom is..."

"Yeah you will." Gaz planted her feet firmly on the floor, amber fire dancing in her eyes. "**_IF YOU FUCKERS DON'T MAKE ROOM FOR ME TO GET THROUGH TO THE MATHEMATICS WING, ALL HELL IS GONNA BREAK LOOSE ON EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR SORRY ASSES!_**"

There was soon enough room for a large horse to pass through the crowd, and the lobby was deadly silent. Gaz stalked through the path, closely followed by Dib. "That's better."

"Nice one," Dib said, a little awestruck. Gaz merely smiled her twisted, evil smile.

"Now, oh brother of mine, if you would kindly direct me to room 324..."

* * *

Dib claimed a desk in the history classroom just as the bell rang. He'd had to go through the lobby again to get to the History wing, and the people there had given him a hard time, probably because they'd gotten OWNED so badly by his younger sister. He slumped into the chair to catch his breath. It didn't even register in his mind who sat near him, until his scythe-like hair was given a flick. He turned his head so quickly he cricked his neck. 

"I should've known."

"Should have known what?" The green-skinned boy stopped whistling in what he apparently thought was an innocent manner.

"Don't touch my hair, Zim." Dib was about to turn back around when he noticed the increase in the alien's height. "Hey! Since when were you that tall?"

"Have you never heard of a growth spurt!" Zim said in his usual egotistical way.

"Yeah, but no one grows two feet in three months!"

"I..." Zim fumbled for an excuse. "I've been drinking my milk!"

"You don't drink milk, Zim."

"Nonsense! Of course I do! Just like I consume the filthy dirt you worms seem to call food!"

"Stop flirting, you two," the pink-haired Zita interjected, drawing laughs from the rest of the classroom.

"Why the hell would I flirt with an alien?" Dib protested indignantly. "A **male** one, no less!"

"I believe I have a MIGHTY NEED for a barf bag," Zim commented, a nauseated look on his face. This drew more laughter.

"Alright then, settle down," the teacher said as he entered the room (where the hell WAS he, anyway?). "My name is Mr. Cox, and I'll be your history teacher for your sophomore year." He spoke in a dull, nasal voice that bordered on monotonous. This being said, it did not hold the attention of the classroom of tenth-graders, and they began to talk amongst themselves. Mr. Cox didn't even seem to notice.

And that, ladies and gents, is how the entire hour of History was passed.

* * *

Dib and Gaz met up in the courtyard for lunch. "How was math class?" 

"The teacher's insane," Gaz said. "He throws chalk."

"That's interesting..." Dib dropped his backpack at... somewhere. I'm too lazy. "I'm gonna go get lunch."

"You do that," Gaz said, seating herself and cracking open a book. (Oh my god. Gaz reads.)

Dib was about to enter the lunch line when he heard a familiar insult.

"Hey, big-head!"

Dib groaned. He'd grown into his head size, and it was no longer disproportionate to his body, so why did everyone continue to call him that? "Yeah, what?" He turned to face the guy who'd yelled. A senior, by the looks of him.

"That was your sister that caused the huge racket in the lobby this morning, wasn't it?"

"Yeah, so?"

"That kinda stuff ain't appreciated here at JCV," the upperclassman said, looking at Dib with utter contempt.

"Well it is her first day here, cut her a break..." Dib turned to continue his route to lunch. The collar of his trench coat was seized by a hand.

"I wasn't done, you know." The hand turned Dib around to face the upperclassman again.

"Yeah, well, I was."

"Don't you smart-talk me!" Next thing Dib knew, a fist had been slammed straight into his chest, forcing him backwards.

_Damn it! I didn't even see that coming!_

Ahand came out of nowhere, seizing the upperclassman's arm and twisting it in a direction that God had not intended it to bend. The owner of that hand delivered a sharp blow to the nose and a kick in the ribs, knocking him down to the floor. Gaz loomed over him, hand covered in blood from punching him in the nose.

The entire cafeteria was silent.

"Consider this your warning," Gaz hissed to the defeated senior. "Mess with my brother again and I won't be so gentle." She snapped her eyes up to the remainder of the cafeteria. "And that goes for the whole of JCV High. If you mess with Dib, you have to answer to me. And I don't think you really wanna do that." She gracefully stepped over the upperclassman on the floor and stalked back outside to the courtyard. Dib just stood there, confused.

"... what the hell...?"

* * *

As they made their way back home, Dib turned to Gaz. "Why did you do that? Today... in the lunchroom..." 

Gaz didn't meet his gaze. "In the eighth grade, I was alone. I realized how much it sucks to be made fun of and have no one on your side. ... I was forced into the position I'd put you in for so long... Besides, you're the only person I know worth sticking up for."

"Oh..." Dib suddenly felt uncomfortable. "I... thanks..."

"And everyone knows that hurting you is **my** job." Gaz laughed evilly, and the moment was ruined.

* * *

A.N. Well, how do you like it? I needed to have Gaz go medieval on someone's ass... because as the chapter title says, dooming is fun. 

Mr. Cox is based off my 9th grade history teacher... lol... and the "insane chalk-throwing teacher" is Mr. Jaffurs. Real person as well. (nod)


	2. Dreams and Nightmares

I forgot to mention Zim's wig in the last chapter... it's not the retarded cowlick one. It's more of an emo-ish thing... because I never liked the retarded cowlick. Lawl. But yeah, that's it. Drawings are up on my deviantART account, which I believe is listed as my webpage here. Go check it out. THE ARMADA COMMANDS YOU.

Random quote: "That dog tried to lick mah eyeball!" (Me)

Oh yeah. Re-integration of the Halloween episode happens in this chapter.

* * *

The air grew cold as Dib pulled his trench coat tighter around himself. He didn't remember it ever being this cold outside. He shivered slightly, the frigid air nipping at his exposed cheeks. (Face. Not something else. You perv.) The buckles on his boots clinked as he walked, as did the numerous zippers on his pants and coat. (Yeah, Dib's a GAWTH. What're **you** gonna do about it?) It wasn't supposed to get this cold at the beginning of the skool year. He could see his breath in front of him... 

"What the hell are you doing out?" hissed a familiar voice. Dib turned around, expecting to see his sister.

He didn't. Well... he did, sort of...

She looked severely mutated. Her lower jaw was missing, her hands were more clawlike appendages, and her legs resembled the hind legs of a gazelle. Her body was hunched over, much like Dib's 5th grade teacher, Ms. Bitters, had done.

Dib recognized this version of Gaz. He ran. He ran like hell. Gaz bounded after him, snarling, but Dib had the advantage of longer legs. He dashed at mad speed until he got to a secluded spot, where he sat to catch his breath.

"How did I get... back here?" he panted. "Is this all just a horrible dream? A nightmare?"

"A Hell from which there will be no escape," hissed a voice from behind him. Striped arms lashed out at him, their hands wielding sharp knives. Dib leapt backwards just in time to avoid impact, drawing the enemy out of the shadows. Its vicious purple eyes gleamed at him from behind two wicked-looking horns that hung in front of his face. Dib again turned to run for his life, the cloven-booted entity following closely. Unfortunately, Dib was soon backed into an alley.

_Goddammit_, he thought as the nightmare figment advanced upon him. "Hey, before you rip out my guts, could you at least tell me why I'm back here?"

"Sure why not," the entity said, albeit evilly. "We've got a powerful new ally with us. We want out, to conquer, to seek to cause new havoc and destruction."

"That still doesn't explain my presence."

"Your head, Dib! Your not-so-disturbingly-large-anymore head! That holds the portal, remember?"

"Well, it's been five years..."

"Ugh." The entity sighed. "Humans... anyways, let's get this torture over with. I'm aiming for obscene agony, so if it's only mildly unbearable, do say something."

But before he was able to lay a finger on Dib, a large paw swiped at him from behind, knocking him out of the way. A thin-framed catlike creature leapt between Dib and the... thing... protecting him. Dib couldn't fathom why, and apparently, neither could the one wielding the knives.

"What? You... You're supposed to be on... **our** side..."

The feline growled, a screechy kind of growl, which sent the horned entity off, retaliating, "I'll tell **her** about this!" and he sprinted away.

Dib's heart pounded as the cat turned its head to look at him. Its eyes were completely dark, with the exception of two red slits for pupils. Its body was covered in shaggy fur (perhaps a dark green colour, Dib couldn't tell in the darkness), save for the clawed feet and large protrusion on its back, which were scaley. Its ears were elongated and quite thin, and twitched when it turned its gaze on the teenage boy.

'Did he hurt you?' The creature didn't speak. Dib more **felt** its message in his bones.

"No," he managed to spit out. "No, I'm just... a little startled..." He leaned back against the alley wall, drained of energy from running. The large cat padded toward him, its nails making a _skritchskritch_ sound as they scraped against the ground.

'You'll return to your own realm in about four minutes,' it informed him. 'You do have a time limit, as I'm sure you already know.'

"Yeah."

The cat studied him for a moment, and then took hold of the back of his trench coat with its mouth, picking him up like a mother cat would its kitten.

"H-hey! What're you--"

'You'll thank me later, fool.' Being taller than Dib, the cat could move quickly without dragging the boy's feet on the ground. It slowed when it approached the Nightmare World version of Professor Membrane's house. 'I assumed you'd want to be home when you returned.' It pushed the door open with a paw, padding gracefully up the flimsy-looking stairs and dropping Dib on the bed in what was this realm's version of his room.

"... Thanks," Dib finally managed to say, reclining graciously on the padded surface. He was surprised when the cat lay down beside the bed, resting its head on his chest. The thing was warm, its fur soft and comforting. Dib actually forgot he was in a nightmare world of his own creation.

It was a rude awakening to suddenly be stroking bedsheets, which felt oddly scratchy compared to the cat's fur.

Dib kicked off his boots and pulled off his trench coat and shirt, cocooning himself in the blankets after setting his glasses on the table beside his bed. _Could that have been...? ... Nah..._

* * *

I promise this will all make sense later. ZIGI ZAGI ZIGI ZAGI OI OI OI! ... Don't ask. It's 10:57 PM and I'm about to watch Star Trek. YAY! (does a dance) 

Oh yeah, I promise I'll keep making references to Jhonen and his works. Any of you catch the Jhonen homage in the first chapter?


End file.
